Why Brock Lesnar's Retirement Doesn't Surprise Me At All

After losing via TKO to Alistair Overeem at UFC 141, Brock Lesnar announced his retirement from Mixed Martial Arts. The retirement is being seen as a surprise by many sports analysts and devastating to UFC, who has lost their biggest star and main attraction.


Brock Lesnar first came to prominence when he won the 2000 NCAA wrestling heavyweight championship after placing 2nd in 1999. After college, he and his roommate, Shelton Benjamin, decided to pursue careers in professional wrestling. They began their careers in Ohio Valley Wrestling, a developmental league for the World Wrestling Federation, where they quickly rose to prominence and made it to the big time. Shelton Benjamin went on to be very successful in the WWF and has since gone on to become on of Ring of Honor's main draws. Brock Lesnar received a major push after wrestling a few dark matches, clearly demonstrating his talent in the ring.


In his time in the WWF/E (the company had changed names due to a lawsuit from the World Wildlife Fund) , Lesnar became the youngest WWE champion of all time, at age 25. Even though the push he received was incredibly heavy and quick, Many people saw Lesnar as being the future of the WWE and professional wrestling in general, now that the Monday Night Wars were over. With his win over the Rock and feud with Kurt Angle, it was clear that Lesnar was over with the crowd and was cemented in his superstar status.


At the end of his career with the WWE, Lesnar had a dream feud of sorts with Goldberg, a wrestler that Lesnar had been compared to for quite some time. At their match at Wrestlemania however, it was well-known that it would be Goldberg's retirement match and that Lesnar would be leaving the WWE to seek a spot on the roster of an NFL team. The crowd reacted very negatively to the match, giving loud applause to guest referee Stone Cold Steve Austin when he gave both wrestlers Stone Cold Stunners on his way out.


Lesnar's NFL career as a defensive lineman lasted 4 preseason games for the Minnesota Vikings marred by unsportsmanlike conduct and very hard hits that were not tolerated even before the NFL made their illegal hit rule more strict. Lesnar stated that he wanted to try out because he "didn't want to be 40 wondering if he could have made it in the NFL." Following Lesnar's failure to secure a spot on the VIking's 53-man roster, he faced much ridicule in the WWE. A year later, Lesnar returned to wrestling in New Japan Pro Wrestling, but was dogged by lawsuits from the WWE that seeked to have Lesnar barred from competing in professional wrestling or mixed martial arts.


Lesnar eventually won the lawsuits and was allowed to compete in MMA. Lesnar had a very hyped up career in UFC, defeating big names like Randy Couture, Frank Mir, and Shane Cerwin before losing via TKO to Cain Velazquez. Despite the hype and super-high salary though, Lesnar's time in UFC is more memorable for his 2 bouts with diverticulitis, a disease that I have had the unfortunate pleasure of also dealing with. After is 2nd diverticulitis attack, Lesnar opted to have surgery to remove 12 inches from his large intestine to fix his colon and bowel movements.


At UFC 141, Lesnar was visibly shaken after taking a hard knee to the gut from Alistair Overeem mere seconds into the fight. To a sufferer of diverticulitis like myself, it was clear that Lesnar's surgically repaired large intestine was not prepared to take hits of any sort, having only been repaired in May of this year. Lesnar's facial expression during the match was one of "why the hell did I think I could do this fight so soon?" Lesnar is also 34, an age that is considered very old in combat sports.


Any sports writer expressing surprise at Lesnar's retirement has no clue how devastating diverticulitis can be and doesn't fully realize that the surgery to remove a foot off the large intestine is one that can take several years to recover from. Also, Lesnar is 34, dude. He's old and done when it comes to sports.


Happy New Year, UFC. Have fun trying to get a new main draw since Brock Lesnar, Randy Couture, and Frank Mir are now all gone and Cain Velazquez proved to be a big flop, easily losing to the experienced boxer, Junior dos Santos.

Yep, I'm Making a Gossip Post

In October 2011, British comedian Russell Brand and Californian singer Katy Perry got married. Their marriage shocked most people in entertainment media who did not even know the couple knew each other. Many doubters of their relationship wagered bets that their marriage would not last a year, given how incredibly busy Katy Perry is with her concerts and Russel Brand with his comedy shows and film schedule, notwithstanding most insider's total inability to understand what, if anything, they had in common.


Well the couple in fact did last more than a year, but only by a few months. The couple has officially divorced and will both begin 2012 as single divorcees! This is wonderful news for pretty much any man between the age of 18-90 because now Katy Perry in her infinite weirdness is back on the market. Russell Brand is uh... also weird and I pray for the poor woman who has to listen to his voice on a daily basis.


Hey, it's a slow news day, cut me some slack Jack.


Update!: The Brands did not sign a prenup! Because of their wildly differing incomes, Katy Perry stands to lose A LOT of money.

The Dalls Mavericks are Officially the Worst Defending NBA Champions of the Post-ABA Merger

The last time an NBA champion opened a season with a 0-3 record was when the Boston Celtics played their first season after the retirement of Bill Russell. Today, the Dallas Mavericks have equaled that remarkably terrible statistic to become the worst defending NBA champion of the post-ABA merger. What makes these 3 losses worse though, is that they never had a chance to win any of them.


Their opening game against Miami was absolutely terrible and showed that losing TWO players from the bench and their starting center was absolutely devastating to the team. In their 2nd game against the Denver Nuggets, they were outplayed by a team with Nené as their best player. In their 3rd game, the Mavericks were outplayed by a team that allowed 26 turnovers and were visibly frustrated, picking really stupid fights and getting 4 technical fouls. Sending Lamar Odom to Dallas for a trade exception is beginning to look like the smartest trade Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak has ever made.


So what's a defending champion to do in a case like this? The last time a defending NBA champion was this bad, Shaq was playing for the Miami Heat. Before that, the 3-peat Lakers were saddled by numerous injuries throughout an entire season. And before that, the double 3-peat Bulls had lost Michael Jordan to retirement twice. These Mavericks have no excuse for being this bad other than their general manager being incredibly inept and owner Mark Cuban being unwilling to spend money to re-sign J.J. Barea, Tyson Chandler, and Rudy Fernandez. If Cuban and his lackey GM have some kind of grand scheme to get Dwight Howard, their team doesn't look very appealing at this point.

Bill Maher's Hilarious Tweet About Tim Tebow

Bill Maher is an outspoken atheist comedian and makes no apologizes for offending religious people in his commentary. Some people are saying that this tweet is offensive. Some people say that Maher is "insensitive." That's a load of bullshit.


Tim Tebow prays before every game. And during the game. And after the game. He talks about Jesus being important in his life. He talks about Jesus being "partly" responsible for the result of football games. Every time he wins a game, he thanks God and/or Jesus for giving him a win. He never says Jesus was on the other team's side when he loses, of course.


Obviously, if Tebow, the guy whose life seems to revolve around either football or Jesus, loses a game that he says Jesus affects, then the devil must be smiling somewhere, taunting Tebow from the underworld.


A lot of people who are decrying Maher's tweet are also the same people who oddly enough believe that political correctness should be done away with and that this so-called "War on Christmas" needs to end. It's funny how those same people who hate political correctness also don't want anything negative being said about them.

The Wild NBA Season Has (Finally) Begun!

After a very long wait, the 2011-12 NBA season has finally started. The Mavericks raised their (incredibly ugly) championship banner to the rafters of the American Airlines Center and then proceeded to immediately play like shit against the Miami Heat.


Before that game, the New York Knicks fought an unexpectedly close game against the Boston Celtics and defeat the Celts for the first time in 9 games.


The Lakers and Bulls had a very close game, with the game being decided by questionable refereeing and a spectacular layup by Derrick Rose, followed by Kobe getting his game-winning shot blocked by Luol Deng.


The Orlando Magic also played terribly, especially Dwight Howard who clearly was not one with team chemistry, losing to the Oklahoma City Thunder.


To close out opening day, the Clippers beat the Warriors in the debut of "Lob Angeles"


And then Day 2 happened. The Mavericks again played like absolute shit, getting blown out by the Denver Nuggets. The Lakers were defeated by the Sacramento Kings in a game that was never close. The Chicago Bulls also stank it up against the Warriors, getting absolutely embarrassed.


Some other notable results:

• The New Jersey Nets looked strong against the Washington Wizards, especially Kris Humphries who quickly quieted the crowd that initially booed him
• Kemba Walker looked fantastic in his debut with the Charlotte Bobcats, leading them to a 1 point victory over the Bucks
• Dwight Howard played better, but the real star of the Magic's second game was Hedo Turkoglu
• Kyrie Irving, the #1 overall draft pick was absolutely terrible in his professional debut with the Cleveland Cavaliers, scoring only 6 points
• The Thunder fought a close game against the Timberwolves, winning by 4 points
• The Spurs got revenge on the Memphis Grizzlies, beating them by 13 points
• The new-look Hornets defeated the Suns by 1 point at Phoenix
• The Blazers and 76ers played a very close game that came down to the final seconds, but the Blazers won by 4

After 2 days of basketball, it's pretty clear that this will be one of the most unpredictable seasons of basketball yet. The teams that were good last year have been terrible while the teams that were bad last year have been excellent.

So far, the best performing teams in the league are the Miami Heat, the Los Angeles Clippers, and the Oklahoma City Thunder. In a lockout shortened season that will feature as many as 5 games a week for some teams, it may be the dawning of a new era in basketball.

The Dallas Mavericks are unquestionably the worst team in the league right now and there is speculation that they might not even make the playoffs. Right now, the Lakers got the last laugh out of that Lamar Odom trade. The Mavericks are on pace to become one of the worst performing NBA champions, ironically, on par with the Miami Heat from a few years ago.

Of course, in a season that is shortened to a ridiculous amount, there is always a surprise waiting.

Zelda Timeline Expressed by Logos

This is the official Zelda Timeline, as depicted in the Hyrule Historia, edited by Zelda series director Eiji Aonuma. The concept of a 3rd timeline is proving to be somewhat controversial, but it fits so perfectly considering the number of inconsistencies between A Link to the Past and Ocarina of Time. Prior to this timeline, many thought that A Link to the Past takes place after Twilight Princess, but now it appears that they may occur concurrently in different timelines.


Here's how the timelines break down:


Timeline A: The Hero of Time is defeated by Ganondorf or his minions, leading to the War of Imprisoning. The Knights of Hyrule and Seven Sages are successful in sealing Ganon away in the Sacred Realm, which would come to be known as the Dark World.


Timeline B: The Hero of Time defeats Ganondorf and returns to the Present where he leaves to the land of Termina shortly after. Ganondorf is then tried and executed for plotting to overthrow the Kingdom of Hyrule, but is then revived by the Triforce by unexplained means, granting him the power of the Triforce of Power. He is then sent away to the Twilight Realm.


Timeline C: The Hero of Time defeats Ganondorf and returns to the Present, but Ganondorf escapes his seal made by the Seven Sages to wreak havoc on Hyrule once again. The Hero of Time does not re-appear and Hyrule is only saved thanks to the gods flooding Hyrule after commanding people to seek shelter on mountain tops.


The ends of these timelines all end very differently. In Timeline A, Ganon is revived at least twice, finally defeated by LoZ!Link. By this period of time, Hyrule has spread out and is made up of several small towns thanks to Ganon's armies destroying most of Hyrule. In Timeline B, Ganondorf is revived once, but quickly defeated by FSA!Link, the latest wielder of the Four Sword. Hyrule is prosperous in this timeline. In Timeline C, a new Hyrule is eventually found on a new continent, which ends up leading to a Hyrule that utilizes steam technology.


EDIT: I goofed on the placement of 2 games. The Minish Cap is supposed to come before Four Swords. I'll fix their placement later.

The OFFICIAL Zelda Timeline is Quietly Revealed

Click for full-size image

An artbook detailing various sketches and concept art of The Legend of Zelda series was recently released in Japan, which included a curious extra.


This artbook, which is printed by Nintendo, contains the first comprehensive timeline detailing exactly where each and every Zelda game takes place and how they connect to each other. Most of the timeline is fairly close to GameTrailers' own theory, creating a split timeline with the Child Timeline and the Adult Timeline, but Nintendo has gone a step further and introduced a THIRD timeline which follows the hypothetical events of OoT!Link failing to defeat Ganondorf. The timeline... well it makes perfect sense considering the events that take place in each and every game.


But because of this timeline, doesn't Nintendo now have their hands tied on making future Zelda games to fit within this timeline? It's not like they can just keep making games that place earlier and earlier. I do admit though, because of the timeline finally being out there, I'd like to see some official sequels to some very old games to further the story of Hyrule(s) and create new bad guys who are the reincarnation of Demise's hatred.


I'll post a photo using game box art later to better illustrate this timeline.