IGN's E3 Checklists Released

IGN has decided to copy Joystiq's E3 BINGO game this year, deciding to release checklists for the 3 console developers. Some of the things on the checklist are incredibly doubtful, but once you see Joystiq's BINGO game, you'll see the true meaning of doubtful. In Joystiq's game, several outlandish, but plausible announcements are placed and sometimes developers well get a BINGO. Last year, Microsoft completely failed to get even 3 categories in a row, being declared an utter failure of a press conference by Joystiq and many gamers for focusing far too heavily on new IPs and the Kinect which has failed to see any support from hardcore gamers. Sony managed to get not just one BINGO, but almost 2. Nintendo's conference was so legendary it almost filled up the board and had several epic announcements that no one could have possibly conceived.

So here they are, IGN's E3 checklists:

There's a few reaches here and there, but most of the lists are pretty plausible. These next 2 weeks will be busy for me, what with the NBA and NHL Finals and E3 next week, coupled with several new games I've recently purchased.

E3 2011 Preview

In one week, Microsoft and Sony will have their pre-E3 press conferences. There, the future of gaming for the next year will be started with a whole new cycle. Last year, the notables were made up of Microsoft's Kinect, Nintendo's official unveling of the 3DS and a slew of games scheduled for release that solidified Nintendo's dominance in the market, Sony's Move, which has not fared as well as Kinect, and the Epic Trifecta: Batman: Arkham City, Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception, and Mass Effect 3 (although now ME3 has been delayed to 2012).

This year, Nintendo is expected to reveal details of its new console, code-named "Project Café," announce details of its first online game, Zelda Universe, and give information on Mario's first adventure on the 3DS. Microsoft is rumored to announce its successor to the Xbox 360 and possibly also reveal some games, but no one is expecting them to be games exclusive to the 360. Sony is expected to give details on its "Next Generation Portable" which hopes to be the successor to the surprisingly successful PSP. A name and final design are expected.

There's a lot of games slated to appear as well, either with new trailers or fully playable. Currently, this is the list of games confirmed to make an appearance at E3 after the break:

Portal 2 - Valve Does it Again

Some Background on How Portal Came to Be

Valve has a very impressive track record, and it's caused a lot of strangely well-founded hate, because Valve simply cannot seem to make a bad game. Starting with Half-Life, Valve started as a relatively unknown company that made one hell of a PC game. In 1998, Half-Life had unbelievably impressive visuals, taking a lot of PCs at the time to their maximum limits. Everything about the game was beyond stellar, completely trouncing the consoles in graphics, showing what potential PC games still had even though the days of Doom and Myst were over. Of course, not only were the graphics good, but the story was superb, and featured great first-person shooter mechanics. PC games generally take full advantage of the quick movement one can do in 360 degrees with the mouse, so it really is only natural to develop FPS for PCs. 

After the success of Half-Life, some avid gamers modded the game and produced 2 notable mods: Counter-Strike, a deathmatch multiplayer game featuring terrorists against counter-terrorism units, and Day of Defeat, another deathmatch multiplayer game taking place in World War II in the European theater featuring the U.S. troops against the Wehrmacht. Although similar, Counter-Strike had rules where if you died, you did not revive and had to rely on your teammates to succeed. Matches were usually short, taking advantage that one could not revive. In Day of Defeat, players could resurrect infinitely since the game was all about capturing territory.

With the success of these 2 mods, Valve was so impressed that they hired the people who made them as full employees. A few years later, six years after the original Half-Life, Valve created a new engine they dubbed the "Source" engine and used it in Half-Life 2, Counter-Strike: Source, and Day of Defeat: Source. The Source engine was well received because of, once again, incredible visuals in 2004 and the physics used to make trajectory much more realistic.

A few years later, Valve released a compilation of games dubbed The Orange Box. TOB's main function was not really to sell HL2 again, but rather to include the latest chapter in the Half-Life saga, Half-Life 2: Episode 2, the long-awaited sequel to Team Fortress, Team Fortress 2, and a new IP by the name of Portal.

Now for the Actual Review

Portal ended up overshadowing everything in The Orange Box. It took a concept not seen since Myst: a game in the first-person perspective, but you would not be given a weapon. You are given a Portal Gun, capable of making portals through time-space, allowing you to enter what was once a wall and exit on a completely different side of the room. To describe Portal with words is nigh-impossible due to how unique it is. The game is all about puzzle-solving, interspersed with a light story about an A.I. named GLaDOS and her test subject, Chell, a young woman who stays silent throughout. Portal was so incredibly well-received that many started demanding a sequel, disappointed that the original game was so short even though it was just an experiment. The experiment was a triumphant success and now we have Portal 2.

Portal 2's story cannot be explained without spoiling the ending of the first game, although at this point everybody knows that The Cake Is A Lie and you pulled off the trope namer of Nice Job Breaking It, Hero. Needless to say, you once again control Chell (who has had her appearance modified to look much more like the actress modeled after her) and have you solve puzzles with your Portal Gun in the Aperture Science laboratories.

Chell in Portal (Left), Chell in Portal 2 (Middle), Chell modeled after actress Alésia Toyoko Glidewell (right)

It's only been 4 years since the original Portal, but it's fairly obvious that the graphics have improved considerably, even though the Source engine is now being pushed to its absolute limits. You get to retread many of the original puzzle rooms from the first game, and it's quite evident how much time has passed as well as how much more effort Valve took with the sequel; they weren't kidding when they said the original was made by 8 people.

The same gameplay elements from the original return, along with some new ones, since the entire game is all about puzzles and getting harder and harder as you reach the end, culminating in the only boss fight in the game where you put your puzzle solving skills to the test and use a gun that can only make inter-dimensional portals to get the boss to kill themself in a time limit. It's all done fantastically, but there are 2 or 3 puzzles that are very difficult to solve that can be a bit infuriating once you realize the solution.

Where Portal 2 stands out more than anything, even more than the gameplay, is the voice acting. There's only 4 characters in the entire game with spoken dialogue, but each one boasts stellar voice acting. GLaDOS gets even better lines, despite very few of them being meme worthy. Valve took absolute care that the game did not get spoiled via the 2 most infamous memes, The Cake Is A Lie and Nice Job Breaking It, Hero. Portal 2 has some lines that are beyond hilarious, but none of them spoil the plot, my favorite probably being, "WARNING! Neurotoxin at dangerously unlethal levels!" The voice acting is made even better by the impeccable writing, something that certain video game companies are having a lot of trouble with.

Story: 9/10
Gameplay: 10/10
Presentation: 10/10
Replay Value: 7/10

Average Score:      9/10

The story could have been just a bit longer, but at the same time one feels that if it were any longer, the puzzles would have become too difficult. Replay value is low, but the game is just too hilarious to play through once. Some free DLC will be available this summer, and Valve has included a co-op mode that has its own story, allowing gamers to use four portals to solve puzzles. As far as when Portal 3 gets made, it's hard to tell since Chell's story is over, but GLaDOS is still at Aperture Science. Valve still has to make Half-Life 2: Episode 3 and begin working on Half-Life 3. Valve is infamous for delaying games to eternity, even though they all eventually come out.

I'm looking forward for what's next from Portal, especially whatever this summer's DLC is. I just want more hilarious lines from GLaDOS, quite frankly. Why are you still reading this? Go buy Portal 2!

It's Apparently 2006 Again!

This is the only picture I could find of Dirk Nowitzki and LeBron James playing basketball together. Their teams have rarely met together, so it's only fair.

In 2006, the Dallas Mavericks met the Miami Heat in the NBA Finals. As is common knowledge by now, the Mavericks took a 2-0 series lead and proceeded to blow it, losing the next 4 games in a row. Mark Cuban was furious at the referees, conspiring that somehow the NBA was against his Mavericks winning the NBA title because of his outspoken behavior. Let's get things straight for starters: Mark Cuban is not an awful human being, he's just a very loud one. He's like that kid who fails a test and then loudly proclaims that the teacher is awful at teaching because they failed. Cuban is a sore loser and has a big mouth, which was caused nobody to take him seriously over the year. Despite all that, he did have some legitimate gripes about some refereeing here and there, but nothing that would affect the entire series.

Now that that's out of the way, we can get to the issue at hand: the Dallas Mavericks are going back to the NBA Finals against the Miami Heat. Both teams have been to the Finals once and it was this same matchup. Their player makeup is quite different these days though, the Mavericks of 2006 are gone with the exceptions of Dirk Nowitzki and Jason Terry. The Heat of 2006 are gone except for Dwyane Wade and Udonis Haslem. Back then, the Mavericks had home court advantage. This time, the Heat will have home court, and will take advantage of thus far not losing at home in the playoffs.

There are also a big critical difference between these two teams now. The Mavericks are now made up of veteran players desperately seeking their first championship, somewhat similar to the 2004 Lakers, but the Mavericks are all made up of "almost-there" players, like Jason Kidd, who lost to the Lakers and Spurs two years in a row. The Heat are made up of key bench players from around the NBA who have thus far not proven their worth whatsoever, but 3 stars who are the driving force behind the team.

The result of this Finals could possibly determine how NBA teams are structured for the rest of the decade. If the Mavericks win, it will be proof that a team with 1 superstar surrounded by a solid starting 5 and deep bench wins championships. If the Heat win, it will be proof that a team can excise all of its non-above average talent and simply throw money at athletes to win a championship, the way the Yankees have been doing things for decades. In a league with a salary cap, the way the Heat have conducted business is a very dangerous thing. If the Heat do win, every team with deep pockets will do all they can to emulate the Heat, meaning that the next decade will be made up of competition solely between the Lakers, Knicks, Heat, Celtics, and Mavericks. The past decade hasn't exactly had great parity consisting primarily of the Lakers appearing 6 times and the Spurs 3 times in the Finals and the East having 3 teams make 2 appearances in the '00 decade, the Nets, Pistons, and Celtics. With a rematch of the '06 Finals, it's become pretty clear that NBA has no parity and if you want to have some chance of winning, you need to on the Lakers, Spurs, or any team in the East with a high payroll.

Neither team winning is all that good for the NBA (it would have been much better for the NBA's future if the Finals matchup were the Thunder and Bulls), but one team winning over the other is far more preferable. How would you rather die, being shot multiple times in non-lethal areas until you bleed to death (Heat), or would you rather just have it end quick and painlessly via lethal injection even though you know what's coming (Mavericks). This matchup is not that surprising, but it also makes me want to see what the hell is going to happen next season. There's an impending lockout, a terrible draft class coming up, and one giant future free agent that will get as much press as LeBron James did: Dwight Howard.

Kobe Bryant will be the Player-Coach of the Lakers by Midseason; Jim Buss is Ruining the Lakers

Read this article: Woj Article on Jim Buss and Mike Brown
In the article, Adrian Wojnarowski accurately describes how the Mike Brown hire by the Lakers solidifies that Jim Buss is running the Lakers organization without input from Mike Kupchak, Kobe Bryant, or his sister Jeannie. Jim Buss is incompetent because if Woj is to be believed, Brown will not be fired under any circumstances and Bynum will never be traded for Dwight Howard.

If Jeannie were in charge, I'm pretty sure Rick Adelman or Jeff Van Gundy would be hired as coach now. Mike Brown is being touted around ESPN as being one of the winningest coaches of all time, but the only team he's ever coached had LeBron James on it. Likewise, it is a bit unfair to say Phil Jackson is as good as he is since he's had talent like Michael Jordan, Shaquille O'Neal, and Kobe Bryant, but his results were consistent and he's won 11 championships as a coach. But Brown has only been to the Finals once where his team got swept by the Spurs. They got the best record in the NBA two years in a row, then failed to reach the Finals in either year, the first team a team has done so. Brown was then fired by the Cavaliers in hopes that firing the coach LeBron did not like would convince him to stay. It didn't work, and Brown has been working on ESPN for the last year.

If there's any one sign that Brown will not last long in Laker land, it's that Kobe has made no comment on Brown's hiring and every sports analyst in the Universe is calling this a horrible move by Jim Buss. I can guarantee that Mike Brown will not have his job past Christmas and Kobe will take over as player-coach.

Russell Westbrook is an Idiot

The OKC-Dallas series is only at Game 3, but at this point, the Thunder may have already lost the series if Russell Westbrook does not seriously change his attitude.

In Game 2, Westbrook was benched by coach Scott Brooks in the 3rd quarter after reacting far too emotionally after his teammates botched a play he called. After they got the play wrong, Westbrook took the ball by himself to the basket where he missed and led to a Dallas field goal. While on the bench, Westbrook started a profanity-laced tirade seemingly at nobody, just staring into empty space (as pictured) and yelling angry stuff. After his benching, Scott Brooks did not play Westbrook at all in the 4th quarter, preferring to stick with his bench that was giving Dallas' starters a serious beating and led to the Thunder winning the game.

All 3 games thus far have been determined by Westbrook's play. Games 1 and 3 were lost due to Westbrook playing like a ball-hog and his inability to make consistent jump shots. Game 2 was won because he did not play for an entire quarter.

Following his benching, an anonymous veteran Thunder player told sources that Westbrook believes he is a better player than Kevin Durant and thinks he should be the leader, not Durant. This news has been hitting all the sports analysts with extreme bouts of laughter because Westbrook is clearly out of his mind and pissed that the entire NBA is now seeing him for what he is: just a kid who runs REALLY fast and nothing else.

Let's start off by comparing Westbrook's and Durant's statistics!

Kevin Durant Career Averages:

•  46.2% FG%, 35.7% 3P%, 88.0% FT%, 6.3 RPG, 2.7 APG, 1.2 SPG, 0.9 BPG, 3.01 TO, 1.87 PF, 25.9 PPG

Russell Westbrook Career Averages:

• 42.1% FG%, 27.4% 3P%, 81.6% FT%, 4.8 RPG, 7.1 APG, 1.5 SPG, 0.3 BPG, 3.49 TO, 2.45 PF, 17.8 PPG

I'm not sure why Westbrook is claiming he's a better player than Durant; he doesn't make as many 2-pointers, he is nowhere near as good as Durant in 3-pointers, he doesn't make as many free throws, he doesn't rebound as often, doesn't block as often, turns the ball over more often, fouls nearly twice as much, and scores far less points than Durant does. Westbrook's only saving grace is that he gets 5 more assists per game, but that's by nature of him playing PG while Durant plays SF.

Suffice it to say, Westbrook is an idiot. A little known fact, the only reason he was accepted to UCLA was because one of the basketball scholarships decided not to go to UCLA and the school decided to give it to Westbrook instead, who was on pace to not even go to college. At UCLA, Westbrook was not particularly interesting, being overshadowed by his teammate Kevin Love. For some reason, the Thunder thought that Westbrook would be the better player, picking Westbrook 4th overall while the Grizzlies selected Love 5th (traded to Minnesota in exchange for OJ Mayo, drafted 3rd). Today, we all know that Kevin Love is a much better player than Westbrook is, so it just goes to show how terrible OKC's draft pick was.

If the Thunder, as widely predicted, lose this series, you can bet that Russell Westbrook will facing the trading block. At this stage of his career, he can get away with being fast and not knowing how to play defense, but in 5 more years his career will plummet if he doesn't learn how to make a jump shot.

L.A. Noire - Rockstar Lets You Play as a Good Guy!

Rockstar Games (alternatively known as R*, per their logo) is mostly well known for the Grand Theft Auto series and the Midnight Club series. In their other games, they haven't exactly had a good track record of allowing you to play as good, upstanding citizens. Many have argued since the days of Grand Theft Auto III that their games are good not because you can blow shit up, kill hookers for your money back, and do insanely crazy missions, but because the game engine is beyond godly, the acting is stellar, and the writing is cinema worthy. Many opposed to the GTA series' content never felt the games were actually that good despite the fact that very few missions actually require you to kill people.

Rockstar has shot back with its latest project, L.A. Noire, a game that uses the infamous Havok engine which GTA4 used, and places you in control of Cole Phelps, the complete polar opposite of a GTA protagonist. If there is anyone he is more obvious opposite to, its Tommy Vercetti. While Claude Speed was mute and did anything for money, he still had (some) morals. Carl Johnson was moral and left Grove Street because he was tired of the gangs, but still had no objections to killing people.

Cole Phelps is a veteran of World War II, participating in the Okinawa campaign. Phelps is Stanford educated, and frequently flaunts it by demonstrating early in the game that he will more than likely pass through the ranks of the LAPD extremely quickly due to his sharp mind. He is honest, despises corruption, and wants to know why killers do the things they do, all in the name of better understanding his enemy. In flashback sequences, Phelps is seen being fluent in Japanese and well versed in Japanese culture, allowing him to gain enemy intel much easier. He is also a realist, knowing that Japan attacked Pearl Harbor because the US cut of its oil supply and that the communists in China will more than likely win their war because of the oppressive regime that today rules in Taiwan. Truly, Cole Phelps is a protagonist quite unlike any seen in a video game and does not fill the typical mold of a 1940s police detective.

There are also some tweaks from GTA due to playing as a police detective. You can't fire your gun at anyone you please, pedestrians will always dodge your car, cars do not explode when on fire, and your 9mm always has refillable ammo. You're also always accompanied by your partner, who will provide backup fire and can aid you in chasing down criminals (usually with their car).

One of the biggest departures is that the entire game revolves around case solving. You need to collect clues, interview witnesses, and interrogate suspects. When interrogating, you have the option to accept their statement as the truth, doubt their statement when you don't have evidence to prove a lie, or catch them on their lie by demonstrating evidence. It's somewhat similar to the Ace Attorney games, except when someone lies you can sometimes show multiple pieces of evidence that are all valid fib-busters and even if you fail at selecting truth, doubt, or lie, you can still "win" the case by collecting enough evidence to charge the right suspect.

But by far the most publicized aspect of L.A. Noire is the facial animations which are the best seen in any video game thus far. The lip sync is perfect, and every facial twitch is needed to see through peoples' lies or see them telling the truth.

Story: 10/10
Gameplay: 10/10
Presentation: 10/10
Replay Value: 10/10

Average Score:      10/10

This is the first game I've reviewed that I've given a perfect score to because quite simply, it is perfect.The story is better written than most cop movies, the gameplay is flawless and fixes the realistic driving controls that Rockstar shoehorned in GTA4, the graphics and music are without peer, and the ability to replay any case in any way you choose only ramps up the replay value. There's some people claiming that this game is "clearly" a rental, but I've never seen bargain bin games that allow you to replay the game in multiple ways to get different conclusions outside of a western RPG.

With Mass Effect 3 delayed to 2012, the race for Game of the Year just got smaller with the only contenders probably being Batman: Arkham City and Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception. Must. Buy.

Upon Further Review...

L.A. Noire does not have good replay value as it turns out. I already completed the entire game and got the majority of trophies, so the true replay value is actually very low. Furthermore, the Arson and Vice desks are incredibly short compared to the Homicide desk and try to shoehorn in a story that did not need to be told. The ending is somewhat of a letdown, but at the same time it had been foreshadowed since the beginning. Probably the disappointment was that the last 3 cases you do not even play as Cole Phelps except for a brief 5 minute sequence. In fact, of the 5 cases in Arson, Phelps only gets to do 2 cases involving actual arson.

Story: 8/10
Gameplay: 10/10
Presentation: 10/10
Replay Value: 3/10

Re-Review Score:      7.8/10

If anything, this game is a Must. Rental. The game's story, gameplay, graphics, and music are outstanding, but the game is so short and devoid of special features that one feels cheated by purchasing the game. The game isn't bad per se, but the lack of special features really makes one question upon finishing whether the game was worth purchasing. As I write this, I'm preparing to trade in L.A. Noire for store credit because I finished a game that was fun, but not worth keeping around to play again.

NBA Draft Lottery Results

Entering the NBA Draft Lottery, the order of worst to best that teams had entering were the following:

1. Minnesota Timberwolves
2. Cleveland Cavaliers
3. Toronto Raptors
4. Washington Wizards
5. Sacramento Kings
6. New Jersey Nets
7. Detroit Pistons
8. Los Angeles Clippers
9. Charlotte Bobcats
10. Milwaukee Bucks
11. Golden State Warriors
12. Utah Jazz
13. Phoenix Suns
14. Houston Rockets

In the Draft Lottery, the #1 pick is decided by drawing a combination of balls and the team that is drawn first gets the last pick. The team that is drawn last gets the 1st pick. Because of this, there is a somewhat high probability that the worst team in the league does not get the 1st pick, which has been the case in most of the drafts this past decade.

The Clippers traded away their draft pick to the Cavaliers in the deal that sent Baron Davis to Cleveland and Mo Williams & Jamario Moon to LA, so the Cavaliers had a realistic chance of getting 2 draft picks in the top 10. The Utah Jazz also received the Nets' draft pick as part of the Deron Williams trade. After some shocking results, this is what order teams will draft players in the 2011 NBA Draft:

(Late) NBA Conference Finals Preview and 2nd Round Review

 2nd Round Review

• Oklahoma City Thunder vs Memphis Grizzlies

This series was great from beginning to end. For a while, there was a brief period of time that I felt the Grizzlies could win the series based on the play of Zach Randolph, Marc Gasol, and their bench. Ultimately, Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook were just too much and blew the shit out of the Grizzlies in the final game. I was very pleased to see a triple overtime game, only the 2nd time I have witnessed one. I'm kind of sad the Grizzlies weren't able to pursue their miracle run, but the Thunder are well-deserving of being in the Western Conference Finals.

• Los Angeles Lakers vs Dallas Mavericks

Holy hell this was awful. The Lakers had a great chance to win Games 1 and 3, but they really blew their chances in both games. The Lakers clearly can no longer rely on pure talent anymore and need to have solid bench play and a new point guard. I went in depth in this series in a previous post.

• Chicago Bulls vs Atlanta Hawks

This was the most boring series, despite it not being a sweep. It was pretty clear from the beginning the Bulls would win the series, but at least the Hawks fought back this year compared to last year. The last game they knew they would lose it, so I believe they didn't even bother to compete. It's rather sad, but it does make their victory over the Magic that much more hilarious.

• Miami Heat vs Boston Celtics

Similar to the LAL-DAL series, this series really showed that the Celtics are done. The Boston Big Three is too old now; Kevin Garnett is not the powerhouse he once was, Paul Pierce sucks all-around, and Ray Allen's final godly 3-shooting year was last year when he exhausted all he had to set the record for most 3-pointers made in an NBA Finals game. Miami didn't win impressively, however. They simply took advantage of the Celtics' age and shitty bench players.

Conference Finals Preview

• Chicago Bulls vs Miami Heat

Before this series started, I predicted the Heat to win the series in 7 games. After seeing Game 1 though, I'm going to change that prediction to Bulls in 5 games. I don't see any possible way the Cryami Weep can possibly win any games in Chicago and more than 1 game in Miami. The Bulls are just too good and too deep for the Heat to even begin to compete.

• Dallas Mavericks vs Oklahoma City Thunder

This is a tougher one for me to gauge. On the one hand, the Oklahoma City Thunder are a team that can beat any team in the NBA on any given day. On the other hand, the Dallas Mavericks are a deeper team than the Thunder and are much more experienced. This series reminds me in many ways of the Lakers-Thunder series from last year when the Thunder surprisingly took the Lakers to 6 games. Back then, the Lakers were a much deeper team than the Thunder despite the Thunder being much more talented than their seed number implied. Because of all that, I'm going to pick the Mavericks winning in 6 games.



So in the end, I'm picking the NBA Finals (at this point) to be between the Dallas Mavericks and Chicago Bulls. These two teams are built very similarly and its my firm belief that a team comprised of 1 superstar and a strong roster of role-players does much better in today's NBA.

I managed to catch a glimpse of some of the Dallas-OKC game in 3D. While very impressive, the ESPN camera operators are idiots and have no idea what camera angles look good in 3D. As for the play-by-play commentary, I never thought I'd be begging for Mike Breen. The guys they have at ESPN 3D are just awful and would rather talk about statistics all day rather than the actual game while having no emotion one way or the other.

Gay Romance Options for Commander Shepard in Mass Effect 3

This will be an actual option in ME3, rather than hilariously awesome model switching.

Bioware producer Casey Hudson confirmed on Twitter yesterday that Mass Effect 3 will have "wider" romance options.

What this is all means can be summarized like this. There are no new romance options, meaning that every previous romance option from ME1 and ME2 continue to be options for people who will be playing ME3 for the first time in the series, or for people who want to cheat AGAIN. Previously, female Shepard had a pseudo-lesbian romance with Liara in ME1, but technically speaking the asari are mono-gendered; they only appear to be feminine to other species.

What "reactive to how you interact with them in-game" means is that Bioware is listening to fans' complaints about Dragon Age 2 where your fellow clan mates (or whatever they're called in that game) were somewhat forceful in starting relationships with you, including the team members of the same sex as your character.

There are actually very few people who actively want romance options in western RPGs, usually saying that "if I wanted to play a dating sim, I would get one where I could have interactive sex." The romance options are just the cherry on top of the sundae; they don't add anything of value and adding them doesn't negatively or positively change the game. In the first game, romance options were very simple: the two human squad members and Liara, the "mono-gendered" alien that looks, sounds, and acts exactly like a woman. The three new romance options in ME2 included all 3 new human squad members, but the other 3 were all aliens, 2 of which did not even come close to resembling humans.

There were a lot of rumors as to why gay relationships were not in the previous two games, especially after it became well-known that ME1 was going to have them, but the option was removed very late in development (Ashley and Kaidan both have lines in the audio files that directly address Shepard as she/he respectively pre and post-coitus). In ME2, the rumor was that Tali's voice actress was opposed to her character being used in a lesbian relationship, but it looks now that all that was bunk.

Then again, the option for same-sex pairings could also be limited to specific squad members, like Jack, who was openly bisexual, or Garrus, who doesn't find humans attractive, but finds Shepard attractive based on personality alone.

We'll get all the answers we want in early 2012.

FOX Drops the Guillotine!

You've probably heard this joke before, it's so old that Married... With Children made jokes about it when David Garrison was still on the show. Here's how it goes:

Hey, you know that underrated show on FOX that does OK in the ratings but stands no chance to beat its competition on rival networks despite how good the show is? Well, guess what? It was cancelled after being on the air for only a season and in a highly competitive time slot! Not only that, but FOX made sure no one could watch it by changing its time slot more than once!

Yes, the infamous FOX Death Trap has happened once again. These days, FOX has a method to their madness:

1. Green-light a show with a questionably solid premise.
2. Don't cast any bankable stars.
3. Place premiere episode immediately after an existing show with solid ratings.
4. If critically praised, allow the show to run for 5 episodes. If critics hated it, cancel it immediately.
5. If ratings are good, allow it to stay at its current time slot for 5 more episodes.
6. Whether or not the show was good, after 10 episodes the show is now in a time slot competing with other network's struggling shows, generally Wednesday or Friday.
7. If viewers follow the show to its new timeslot, renew it for a 2nd season. If no one really gave a shit about the show, cancel it immediately.
8. In the 2nd season, change the show's timeslot just for shits n' giggles. If people follow the show to its even newer timeslot, I guess the show can survive.
9. If the 2nd season had good ratings still, move the show to Monday or Tuesday and see what happens. If the ratings do down even the slightest, cancel it immediately.
10. If the show is a cartoon made by Matt Groening or Seth MacFarlane, put it on Sunday night and let it run no matter what.

Today, FOX followed their formula and cancelled five shows. Human Target, The Chicago Code, Lie to Me, Breaking In, and Traffic Light have all been cancelled. None of these shows ever got the following that FOX wanted and thus, all have been cancelled. It seems these days that FOX loves to green-light comedies and then just let them attempt to compete with CBS, NBC, and ABC's lineups without caring if the shows are any good, then cancelling them once a bankable star wants a television show or ZOMG, A NEW DRAMA IS LOOKING FOR A NETWORK.

Next season, FOX has already green-lit 5 new shows, and based on their premises, none seem doomed to fail. Alcatraz is a show produced by J.J. Abrams, creator of Lost and Fringe, starring Jorge Garcia (Lost) and Sam Neill (Jurassic Park) in a story about former Alcatraz inmates who disappear and then reappear many years later.

The New Girl stars Zooey Deschanel in a half hour comedy about an elementary school teacher who moves in with 3 guys. With Deschanel getting her own show on FOX, she joins her sister, Emily, on the same network. Emily Deschanel, of course, stars as the main character on Bones.

Speaking of Bones, it's getting a spinoff starring a character recently introduced to the show, a military vet with brain damage who has a strange talent for finding pretty much anything or anyone. Obviously, the show is being called Finder. It's got a pretty similar premise to Bones, but it also has similarities to House, starring someone who has a talent for solving a mystery in an hour while also having some kind of goofiness in their personality, whether it be their arrogantness, their eccentricity, or them being brain damaged. Finder is obviously the new show with the least potential.

I Hate my Teenage Daughter is a comedy starring Jaime Pressly (My Name is Earl) and Katie Finneran (Wonderfalls) as two women who come to the shocking realization that their daughters have turned into the mean bitches who used to torture them in high school.

Lastly, Terra Nova is expected to finally make its debut next season as they delayed the premiere thanks to the CGI being downright awful before the show was set to air as a midseason replacement in May. It's a hotly anticipated show produced by Steven Spielberg about Earth's extinction in 2149. Humanity's last hope for survival is to go back in time 85 million years ago and hopefully extend the lifetime of the human race. The show centers on the Shannon family as they go to Terra Nova, the first colony established in the past. But once they go there, they find that the threat of the dinosaurs is going to be much more difficult to avoid that previously thought. FOX already ordered 10 episodes and the show has a budget of $4 million each, so it's obvious FOX has faith in it, a rarity for the network. Terra Nova is set to become FOX's smash hit of next season or one of the biggest television bombs in recent history.

At this point, it's unknown whether FOX will cancel anymore shows, because at the moment, Fringe has been spared the cutting block despite airing on Friday nights. Fringe, ironically enough, only attracts fringe viewers who would rather watch it than Smallville. Luckily for FOX, once Smallville airs its final episode this Friday, no other network will have any shows on Friday nights that consist of drama or comedy, only newsmagazine and reality shows.

Why the NBA Finals (at this point) Will be Between the Memphis Grizzlies and Miami Heat

At this point in the playoffs, the Mavericks are in the Western Conference Finals, the Memphis Grizzlies are up 2 games to 1 against the Oklahoma City Thunder, the Chicago Bulls and Atlanta Hawks are tied at 2 games apiece, and the Miami Heat are leading the Boston Celtics 2 to 1.

I realize that I did pick the Celtics to beat the Heat before the 2nd round started, but an unexpected injury to Rajon Rondo has completely changed their chances. With Rajon Rondo's dislocated left elbow, he can still pass the ball and make layups, but the risks of him playing far outweigh the benefits. Because of the idiotic trade by Danny Ainge, Rondo no longer has Nate Robinson as his backup and instead has Delonte West. The Heat will easily take advantage of this and beat the Celtics soundly.

I'm still predicting the Bulls to beat the Hawks, but the way they have been playing is not championship caliber. The team team relies far too heavily on Derrick Rose and if he does not have an out-of-this-world night, the team loses. The Bulls (at this point) will more than likely lose to the Heat in 6 games.

On the West, the Grizzlies are quite unexpectedly up 2 games to 1 against the Thunder. Tonight, they will be playing at Memphis again and the Grizzlies will probably easily take the 3-1 series lead. After that, they don't even need to win in Oklahoma City, they can just wait for Game 6 to win again in Memphis.

With the Grizzlies against the Mavericks, everyone predicted the Lakers would defeat the Mavericks because of their size in the post and the X-Factor of Kobe Bryant. It turned out that none of that mattered because the Mavericks beat the Lakers with pure shooting ability and good offensive screens. When the Mavericks face the Grizzlies, they face a team that has totally shut down two shooting teams, the Spurs and Thunder.

The Grizzlies are built very similarly to the Lakers, except they are younger and have not fallen into any kind of slump. On top of that, in Game 4, the Mavericks made a new record in 3-pointers made in a playoff game. How many 3-point shooting teams have ever won an NBA championship? If your answer is none, you'd be correct. Teams that have one or two reliable 3-point shooters do win NBA championships, but when the entire team starts shooting threes and relying too heavily on them, it can poison them, similar to what happened to the Orlando Magic 2 years ago.

A lot of people are also giving a lot of credit to the Mavericks for beating the Lakers, but if you look at the numbers, Games 1 and 3 the Lakers beat themselves by getting big leads in two of them and then blowing them, while in Game 2 they relied too heavily on 3-pointers and missed nearly all of them. The Mavericks didn't do anything special to beat the Lakers and that's what probably worries the Mavericks coaching staff. If the Mavericks show the same effort they did in the Lakers series, it will not be enough to beat the Grizzlies who are seemingly unstoppable.

As far as the NBA Finals go, it's difficult to predict how a Grizzlies-Heat series would go. On the one hand, you want to give the Heat the victory based on pure talent, but the Grizzlies could also win based on execution and pure drive to win.

This is all speculation of course, but even so, I'm not ready to declare a champion.

An End of (Yet Another) Era: Lakers Swept by Mavericks

Horrendous. Weak. Effortless. Heartless. All that and more describes how the Lakers, with the exception of Kobe Bryant, played today, on the brink of elimination. Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum were also ejected for flagrant fouls, Odom's slightly questionable, but Bynum's was very obvious.

So... what happens from here? The Lakers starting five and Odom are all on contract until at least 2013, with player options for Shannon Brown and Matt Barnes. That doesn't mean they should stay, though. Phil Jackson said at the beginning of the season that he would retire from coaching at the end of the season, regardless of the result at the end.

I suggested in an earlier post that Rick Adelman should be the #1 target for the Lakers and I'm not backing down from that statement. Although Brian Shaw has been viewed for the last 2 years as Jackson's likely successor, the Lakers need a complete game-change. The last two championships were won based on pure basketball talent rather than execution, something the Miami Heat is trying to replicate.

Jackson has reportedly not gotten along with players who have either had difficulty learning the Triangle Offense or flat out refuse to learn. It's pretty evident which players Jackson trusted and which ones he did not. As far as what players will even return next year, with Jackson and the Triangle Offense more than likely gone, Jerry Buss and Mitch Kupchak will probably get rid of everyone except Bryant and Bynum (because Kobe is the franchise sacred cow and Kupchak is in love with Bynum), and possibly keep Odom, depending on his evaluation in the offseason.

What can the Lakers do to become a modern team? For starters, they need much more athleticism and get younger. There's too many 30+ year olds on the team, most shells of their former selves. Kobe is 33 and not as good as he once was, but he is still an elite player and will probably have 3 more good years left in him.

Right now, the Lakers need to follow the model successfully done by the early 90s Bulls, because time is running out on their star player. If too much time passes, Kobe will need to retire and then the Lakers will have to pray for their next star via the draft.

The End of the Golden Age of Basketball

Jerry Sloan is no longer the coach of the Utah Jazz. The San Antonio Spurs are too old to be competitive. Kobe Bryant is no longer the most dominant player in the game. Phil Jackson has coached his last game after winning 11 championships as a coach. Today, the final nail in the coffin of the Golden Age of Basketball was announced: Shaquille O'Neal has played his final game in the NBA. In Game 4 of the Celtics-Heat series, Shaq only played 3 minutes and 31 seconds and registered no statistics. No points, no blocks, no rebounds. He got 2 fouls very early, and was then never put back into the game. After the game, Shaq was examined by Celtics team doctors and they determined that his Achilles' tendon and calf injuries were too severe to allow him to play in anymore playoff games for any length of time. Shaquille O'Neal will more than likely announce his retirement after the Celtics were defeated by the Heat tonight.

• Magic Years (1992-1996)

Shaquille Rashaun O'Neal entered the NBA as the 1st overall pick in the 1992 Draft, selected by the Orlando Magic, drafting him out of LSU. Shaq left LSU after being picked All-American and SEC Player of the Year his Freshman and Sophomore years. He chose to forgo his upperclassman years in favor of being the #1 prospect in that year's draft. The hype quickly became reality as he won Rookie of the Year and was the first rookie since Michael Jordan in 1985 selected to the All-Star Game. After only 3 seasons with the Magic, O'Neal and Anfernee "Penny" Hardaway led the team to the team's first NBA Finals appearance where they faced the defending champions, the Houston Rockets. Despite Shaq averaging 28.0 points, 12.5 rebounds, and 6.3 assists, the Magic were swept in the Finals.

In Shaq's 4th year with the Magic, he was injured for most of the season, but was still selected to his 4th straight All-Star game, a clear sign that he was in peoples' minds as a future star. They reached the Eastern Conference Finals again, but they lost to the eventual champion Chicago Bulls where Michael Jordan would win his 4th championship.

After the 1995-96 season, Shaquille O'Neal became a restricted free agent and was also selected to the US Men's Olympic Basketball Team for the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, where he would eventually win a gold medal with the 2nd incarnation of the Dream Team. During the Olympics, there was much discussion in Orlando, which happened to be where the Dream Team had their training facility, about how much the Magic were willing to shell out to keep Shaq. Also in the discussion was whether or not the Magic management was willing to give into Shaq's alleged demands of hiring a new coach for the 2nd time in 4 years. Citing a lack of privacy and disrespect by the Orlando media, Shaq did the unthinkable and decided to sign with the Los Angeles Lakers.

• Lakers Years (1996-2004)

Citing the desire to play basketball without interference in his private life and not money for his reasons for joining the Lakers, Shaq appeared to do just that for his first 3 season as a Laker, alongside his new teammate Kobe Bryant, who needs no introduction. Kobe was traded to the Lakers shortly after the 1996 NBA Draft from the Charlotte Hornets who Bryant had no plans to play for in exchange for starting center Vlade Divac. Then General Manager Jerry West was called insane for trading his starting center, but a few months later once Shaq signed, it became apparent that this was all part of West's master plan to create a championship team.

Three seasons into the Shaq-Kobe era of the Lakers was nothing special. They were in the playoffs all three years, but they were always defeated by the eventual Western Conference champions, first the Utah Jazz two years in a row, then the eventual champion San Antonio Spurs. The start of the 1999-00 season marked the hiring of Phil Jackson, former coach of the Chicago Bulls, and the start of one of the most successful championship teams of all time.

During their three-peat, The Lakers swept the first 3 rounds of the playoffs and won their 2nd championship against the 76ers in 5 games, becoming the only championship team to ever lose only once in the postseason. In the Finals, they swept the New Jersey Nets, becoming one of the few teams to ever sweep in the Finals. In all three championship wins, Shaq was named the Finals MVP and won the regular season MVP in the 1999-2000 season.

Unfortunately, during the 2002 season, Shaq suffered a serious toe injury that required surgery that would potentially lead him to missing the 2002 postseason. Shaq decided to postpone the surgery, desiring a 3rd consecutive championship over requiring bed rest. In the offseason, Shaq prolonged his surgery saying that "I got hurt on company time, so I'll heal on company time." This was the first hint that Shaq's attitude might become destructive for the reigning 3-time champions. In the 2002-03 season, the Lakers fell short and were eliminated early in the playoff as the #5 seed. In the 2003-04 season, Shaq made a serious effort to recruit Karl Malone and Gary Payton, even though their years in the NBA would command a much larger salary than the Lakers would be able to afford. They joined anyway, citing they wanted to win a championship more than making money at this stage of their careers.

The Lakers eventually lost to the Detroit Pistons in the NBA Finals and the end seemed nigh. Kobe Bryant and Karl Malone did not get along at all, so Malone decided he would rather retire than play any more years with Bryant. Shaq wanted more money to stay a Laker, but the Lakers management felt that giving Shaq the amount of money he requested was unreasonable given his age (32) and his toe injury that he was still recovering from. Shaq was not pleased that the Lakers would rather re-build their team around Kobe Bryant, who Shaq was not in the best of standing with by this point. Another point of displeasure was Lakers owner Dr. Jerry Buss asking Phil Jackson to leave the team. Shaq was then traded to the Miami Heat in exchange for Caron Butler, Lamar Odom, Brian Grant, and Miami's 2006 1st round draft pick, which the Lakers would eventually use to pick Jordan Farmar.

• Heat Years (2004-2008)

 After signing with the Heat, Shaq promised Miami an NBA championship and claimed that the reason he wanted to go to Miami was because of their up-and-coming star, Dwyane Wade, drafted in the 2003 NBA Draft. In reality, Miami was not the first choice for the Lakers or Shaq. The trade was originally meant to send Shaq to the Dallas Mavericks, but Mark Cuban was not willing to give up Dirk Nowitzki.

The Heat quickly defied expectations, garnering the #1 record in the Eastern Conference and faced the defending champion Detroit Pistons in a fierce 7 game series in the Eastern Conference Finals. The Heat would lose by the narrowest of margins, but it was clear that the new-look Miami Heat were here to stay. In the offseason, Shaq signed a 5-year contract worth $100 million. At the time, the contract signing was viewed as a steal since given Shaq's years in the league and championship experience, he would command a much larger salary, so $20 million a year was rather cheap for Shaq. Heat fans also commended Shaq for willing to stay for 5 more years in Miami.

In the 2005-06 season, Shaq injured his right ankle in the 2nd game of the season. After coming back 18 games later, Heat coach Stan Van Gundy left the team citing "family reasons," but it was very obvious that Shaq got his way and pushed SVG out, later calling Van Gundy a master of disaster management, meaning he only knew how to coach in the event of a disaster. Pat Riley was brought back in as head coach and later the trio of Riley, Wade, and O'Neal led the team to their first NBA Finals where they would eventually win against the Dallas Mavericks, the team Shaq was almost traded to. After winning the championship, Shaq promised they would win it again next year, alluding to Riley's infamous proclamation when he was coach of the Lakers. In that case however, Riley was right.

Shaq ended up missing 32 games in the 2006-07 season with a left knee injury, but once he got back, Dwyane Wade got his own season ending injury when he dislocated his left shoulder. During Shaq's injury, he ripped former coach Phil Jackson, calling him a Benedict Arnold in response to Jackson's comments that Shaq was the only player he had ever coached that was not a worker. In the postseason, the Heat would lose to the Chicago Bulls in the first round and be swept, joining the small list of defending champions who were swept out of the playoffs.

Beginning the 2007-08 season, Shaq recorded record lows in every stat, and it became clear that the 35 year old would not be productive as a 37 year old (the age Shaq would be at the end of his contract), even coming off the bench. Shaq was traded in February 2008 to the Phoenix Suns in exchange for Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks after the Heat managed the worst record in the league at that point, 9-37.

• Suns Years (2008-2009)

Coincidentally, Shaq's first game as a Sun was against the Lakers. The Suns would lose the game, but Shaq claimed they only lost because it was his first game with the team and after 4-5 more games, he would return to his normal production, whatever that was supposed to be. Shaq's presence on the Suns was also a way to hopefully combat Tim Duncan of the Spurs after the Suns had suffered a humiliating defeat to them the year prior. Shaq was pleased with his new situation in Phoenix, but he also took time to blast former teammates Chris Quinn and Ricky Davis, as well as former coach Pat Riley. Riley was saddened by Shaq's comments, but Shaq retorted with profanity to the man he once called "the great Pat Riley."

The next season, Shaq did improve, but it was clear he was not the same Shaq that played for the Lakers. Throughout the season, Shaq took as many opportunities to criticize Dwight Howard, viewed as being the next Shaq, former coach Stan Van Gundy, former Lakers teammate Mark Madsen, and Yao Ming. In the end, this was all bark and no bite as Shaq missed the playoffs for the first time since his rookie season. After the 2008-09 season, Shaq was traded to the Cleveland Cavaliers in exchange for Sasha Pavlovic, Ben Wallace, $500,000, and the Cavaliers' 2010 2nd Round Draft Pick which the Suns eventually used on Dwayne Collins, the Mr. Irrelevant of that year. None of the players the Suns would receive would play any minutes, the Suns preferring to buy out their contracts so they could rebuild their team. The Suns made the Western Conference Finals in 2010, but they lost to the Lakers in 6 games and lost Amar'e Stoudemire to free agency.

• Cavaliers Year (2009-2010)

Compared to his usual press conferences, Shaq had few worlds when signing for the Cavaliers, saying he wanted to win a ring for the king, LeBron James. In February 2010, Shaq suffered a thumb injury, sidelining him until the playoffs. Once in the playoffs, he could not help LeBron James defeat the Boston Celtics in the semifinals, becoming the first team in NBA history to berth the best record in the NBA two years in a row and not make the NBA Finals. After his lone year with Cleveland, his contract expired. When Kobe Bryant commented that with his 5th championship, he had one more than Shaq, Celtics owner Wycliffe Grousbeck felt he could successfully sign Shaq to a 2-year contract.

• Celtics Year (2010-2011)

Despite offers from the Dallas Mavericks and Atlanta Hawks, Shaq chose instead to sign with the Celtics for 2 years at the veteran minimum salary, for a total of $2.8 million. The Mavericks and Hawks both claimed that they did not sign Shaq because of salary demands. Early on, Shaq admitted he would not be able to compete with dominant stars like Dwyane Wade or Kobe Bryant, saying that his only desire to still play was to make sure Tim Duncan did not win more championships than him, because "If Tim Duncan gets five rings, then that gives some writer the chance to say 'Duncan is the best." He also said he did not care whether he was a starter or bench player for the Celtics, just that he wished to play. Over this season though, he has suffered an unbelievable number of injuries, culminating in his current injuries to his calf and Achilles' heel. The Celtics traded away Kendrick Perkins in the expectation that Shaq would be able to fill-in come playoff time, but that obviously never became the case.

Shaquille O'Neal is the final nail in the coffin of the Golden Age, because he was a contemporary of Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, Karl Malone, Kobe Bryant, Tim Duncan, Steve Nash, Dwyane Wade, and LeBron James and got a chance to even play alongside most of them.

Shaquille O'Neal's Career 1992-2011. 4 NBA Championships, 3-time NBA Finals MVP, 2000 NBA MVP, 1993 Rookie of the Year, 15 All-Star Selections, 2-time NBA Scoring Champion, 8 NBA 1st Team Selections, 3-time All-Star Game MVP, and NBA Legend.

Pacquiao vs Mosley

After months of the most drama the boxing world has seen since the days of Oscar de la Hoya receiving his first defeat to Felix Trinidad and then subsequently to Shane Mosley twice, the "long-awaited" Pacquiao vs Mosley fight finally happened.

First some back-story:

Last year, there were plans for Manny Pacquiao to fight Floyd Mayweather, Jr. in a fight that would finally settle the dispute over which fighter was better and the undisputed best fighter in the world. Mayweather claimed he was better for the sole fact he was unbeaten, but many critics have pointed out that Mayweather's boxing ability is actually not that good, he just fights a lot of inexperienced or aging boxers to pad his record. Pacquiao has claimed that he is better because he is both faster and stronger than Mayweather and would easily give him his first defeat. A few months before the fight was scheduled to happen, Mayweather's camp began to make unusual demands for Pacquiao's camp, but Manny was more than willing to oblige, because he wanted to fight Mayweather. Then a few days before drug testing would be conducted, Mayweather's camp made the very unusual request of requiring a second drug test less than a week before the fight, which would include a blood test. Although experts agreed that taking blood 5 days before the fight would not affect either fighters' abilities, drug testing is never done with blood because urine tests are just as effective and use a material that is leaving the body anyway.

Pacquiao refused a blood drug test, citing that he did not want to deplete his body in any way so close to the fight and that such demands were outlandish and insulting. Mayweather used this as an opportunity to claim that Pacquiao was trying to avoid the fight, knowing he would lose, as well as insinuating that Pacquiao was using performance enhancing drugs. Although Mayweather only gave hints that Pacquiao was using steroids, his promoter, infamous boxing icon Don King, later made direct accusations.

After some time passed, the Pacquiao camp decided it would go through the blood testing and appease the Mayweather camp's unusual demands. Mayweather then chickened out and decided not to go through with the fight. Less than two weeks later, Mayweather was arrested for charges of domestic violence against his wife. Pacquiao was extremely disappointed at the turn of events and wanting to still fight around spring of 2011, he contacted Shane Mosley about fighting. Although Mosley was 39, he had no plans to retire yet and accepted the challenge. Most people saw this match as a very easy victory for Pacquiao, but most intriguing would be to see comparisons in how Mayweather and Pacquiao both fought Mosley.

Well the fight finally happened and Pacquiao dominated from beginning to end, all while not fighting at his peak condition, Manny citing his legs being cramped, an ongoing injury from his fight against Juan Manuel Marquez. Even with his legs cramping his mobility, Manny Pacquiao managed to accomplish something even Floyd Mayweather could not do: he knocked down Shane Mosley for only the 3rd time in his career, in the 3rd round no less.

Although boxing fans want the Pacquiao vs Mayweather fight to happen more than ever now, it's unlikely to happen in this universe while Mayweather continues to have serious legal problems and finds new excuses to avoid fighting Pacquiao, just to maintain his perfect record.

Green Lantern: First Flight

Green Lantern is a little bit more than a month away, so I felt it would be good to give myself a refresher of Hal Jordan's origin story (as it is understood today) and how it was explained in the animated film, Green Lantern: First Flight.

First Flight is a movie that greatly contracts Hal Jordan's personal life in favor of showing his relationship with his fellow Green Lanterns as they uncover a plot by evil forces to steal the Yellow Element from Oa and use it as a counter to the Green Lantern Corps. Unlike most depictions of Hal Jordan, he never gets close to Kilowog or Tomar-Re until near the end, and Thaal Sinestro is almost always seen as someone who despite being a Green Lantern, probably should not hold such power. Usually, Hal Jordan is depicted as being trained by the noble Sinestro, who despite being very harsh in training, is a pretty good guy who believes in protecting the universe as a Green Lantern... at least until he gains the power of the Yellow Element and becomes the universe's first Yellow Lantern.

The film itself is pretty basic and unfortunately places no focus on Hal Jordan's personal life, in exchange for displaying how he gets along with his fellow Green Lanterns. The acting is also far from stellar, but definitely much better than the acting in some of the other DC Animated Original Movies; Superman: Doomsday and Wonder Woman come to mind as comparisons. Christopher Meloni is horribly miscast as Hal Jordan as are the other Green Lanterns with the exception of Sinestro.

Really in the end, nothing special can be said of the film, exept that the animation does 3 things in particular that Green Lantern will be following. While in the Green Lantern outfit, Hal Jordan's irises go white while his pupils remain, creating the illusion that his mask gives him totally white eyes. The outfit itself also has texture for the first time; usually it just looks like a spandex outfit. First Flight makes the outfit look more like body armor, yet form-fitting. The last thing is that Hal Jordan's nose is given actual definition while facing front, instead of the domino mask getting a triangular shape.

When you see the two side by side, the live action mask actually appears to be more true to the source material than previously thought.

Final Score: 2 many supporting cast members missing out of 5


Green Lantern: First Flight is a big green mess. The DC Animated Originals are touted because they're self-contained stories that are between 75-80 minutes long, yet feel longer because of the strength of their storytelling. GL feels longer because it's just so damn boring. Hal Jordan's personality received an update after Crisis on Infinite Earths for the sole reason that he was so damn boring and lacked personality and we only see glimpses of Jordan's new personality during this movie. Justice League: The New Frontier treated Hal Jordan much better than this and the only other Green Lantern ever shown was Abin Sur, proof that you don't need to involve the Green Lantern Corps. in every aspect of Hal Jordan's origin story to create a good story.

Indeed, the upcoming Green Lantern does feature the Corps. early in the film and throughout, but they are as much supporting characters as Hal Jordan's friends and his on-again/off-again love interest, Carol Ferris.

Green Lantern will be released in theaters June 17 and will be going up against X-Men: First Class, Super 8, and Cars 2 as the major films released in June. After the mess that was X-Men: The Last Stand and the confusing EXTREME SHAKY CAM of Cloverfield, I don't think people will turn out in droves to see X-Men or Super 8. Cars is a Pixar film, but even so, the original Cars was not as well received as Pixar's other films. I'm not predicting GL to be a big box office smash, I think the only guarantees of that for this summer areThe Hangover Part II and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2.

Thor: 2011 Superhero Movie #1

This year is widely viewed as "make or break" for superhero movies, with Thor, Green Lantern, and Captain America: The First Avenger all coming out in May, June, and July, respectively. None of these superheroes are that well known outside of the comic book community, so that's why these movies are seen as pretty important in cementing superhero movies as a part of cinema. The last time lesser known heroes got movies, they were Blade and Daredevil. While Blade did get 2 sequels, I personally believe it was more because it was Wesley Fucking Snipes killing vampires with a sword, not because he was a comic book character.

Thor boasts a truly impressive cast and crew with the likes of Natalie Portman, Anthony Hopkins, and director Kenneth Branagh. Relative unknown Chris Hemsworth stars as Thor; you may remember him for playing George Kirk in the opening scene of Star Trek. He does Thor well, accurately playing the spoiled son of Odin who starts out bloodthirsty for battle, uncontent that his father decided not to finish off the Jotuuns.

This movie isn't your typical superhero movie, especially since Thor only has his powers at the beginning and end of the film. Thor is stripped of his powers by his father, Odin, and sent to Midgard (Earth) as punishment until he is worthy of once again wielding Mjolnir. On Earth, Thor more or less goes on a quest to retrieve Mjolnir, now in the hands of S.H.I.E.L.D., and meets people who aid him. Behind the scenes, Thor's brother Loki learns of his true origins and conspires to start a war with the Jotunns, despite being one himself.

When I say Thor has his powers at the start and end of the film, I'm not kidding. Out of the entire 110 minutes, he probably has his powers for about 40 of them. It's definitely easier to identify with Thor once he loses his powers and becomes a jerk obsessed with reclaiming his godhood than it is when he's a jerk obsessed with battle. The human characters don't really serve too much purpose other than advancing the plot, telling a few jokes, and explaining to the audience (very partially) that Odin, Thor, Loki, etc. are all Norse gods and that the ancient Vikings may have worshiped these aliens and treated them like gods.

Although I greatly enjoyed Thor, it does feel a bit too short and fast-paced, despite the lack of action during the 2nd act. That's something you never thought you'd hear, right? A fast-paced movie with limited action! The screenplay is easily the best Marvel has ever crunched out, and it's no surprise since J. Michael Stracynzki was involved. The only fault the movie really has is that some of the actors were not ready to be in a major motion picture alongside such talents like Natalie Portman, Stellan Skarsgard, and Anthony Hopkins.

I do have one nitpick not just on Thor, but for the other superhero movies coming out this year. The three hero movies will all be viewable in 3D, but the truth is that none of them were shot in 3D, they were done in post-production. What that means is that they used a normal camera to film the movies and then afterwards they superimposed the movie on top itself to create a faux 3D effect. This practice is not uncommon, unfortunately, it's been used on movies like Alice in Wonderland, Clash of the Titans, Piranha 3D, The Last Airbender, and every Harry Potter film. If you want to know what films are really in 3D and not camera trickery, go to http://realorfake3d.com/ and see the list for yourself. It even previews movies coming out next year that are doing the same trick!

Final Score: 4 Mjolnir BONKS out of 5

Thor has a few flaws, but they can be largely ignored. The story will not be over this year however, since Captain America: The First Avenger will continue the story in some way. in the comics canon, Thor actually participated in World War II, so it remains to be seen if the Norse gods will still aid the Allied effort in the film.

Mass Effect 3 DELAYED :(

Sadly it's true, Mass Effect 3 will not be coming out "Holiday 2011," it has been delayed to Q1 2012. Bioware has cited that they will be further retooling the game to fit a "broader" audience. This can only mean that the RPG elements Bioware promised us would return in ME3 will more than likely be toned down. Some people are saying they don't trust Bioware after Dragon Age 2. Some people are saying that turning ME3 into even more of a Gears of War clone would be damaging.

I say that Bioware has learned their lesson from DA2. DA2 was rushed to completion and we got a really shitty game. By delaying ME3, Bioware can make sure that their magnum opus ends up being one of the greatest video games ever. It's also a good sales strategy, because The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception, and Batman: Arkham City will all be released in Q4 2011. Uncharted will be the big PS3 seller, Arkham City will be the big multi platform seller, and Skyrim will be the big RPG seller. Bioware delaying ME3 to Q1 2012 makes sure that the multi platform RPG sells above the competiton.

I, for one, welcome our new Reaper overlords.

CAPITALS BLOW IT AGAIN

Oh my God, I'm going to talk about hockey for the 2nd time in the entirety of my blog! The Washington Capitals, for the 2nd year in a row, scored the #1 seed in the Eastern Conference. Last year, they suffered an incredibly embarrassing first round defeat to the Montreal Canadiens, the 8th seed, after going up 3 games to 1. This year, they escaped a repeat of last year's embarrassment, defeating the New York Rangers in 5 games. But in the 2nd round, the Tampa Bay Lightning managed to not only defeat the Caps, but sweep them. This loss has more or less solidified the Capitals as being the Dallas Mavericks of the NHL. They do very well in the regular season, but once they get to the playoffs the real talent pushes them around. If the Capitals, and especially Alexander Ovechkin, want to avoid humiliation next year, they need to make some major changes, starting with their idiot coach.

The Tampa Bay Lightning now await the winner between the Flyers and Bruins, with the Bruins leading 3 games to none. Although in most situations, you'd assume the Bruins would win the series with only one more game to win, they are in the exact same situation they were in last year, facing the Flyers in the conference semi-finals and going up 3 games to none. The Bruins would go on to blow their 3-0 lead, only the 4th team in American professional sports to do so. If the Bruins manage to blow this 3-0 lead as well, they will become the punchline of Boston sports for many years to come, especially in a year that has not been kind to Boston sports with the Patriots suffering an embarrassing loss to the New York Jets in the playoffs, the Red Sox starting their season with their worst start in franchise history, and the Celtics currently getting demolished by the Miami Heat.

Osama bin Laden's Death Causes People to Finally React with Their True Feelings

It hasn't even been a week since Osama bin Laden was killed and there are already conspiracy theorists saying that he isn't really dead. The horrifying part is that those people are inside of our own country. No, they're not Al Qaeda members, they're the people who work at Fox News. Since Monday, people like Andrew Napolitano and Glenn Beck have made allusions and insinuated that because the White House chose not to release the photo of a dead Osama bin Laden, there must be something that Barack Obama is hiding.

It's truly disgusting that these two assholes could suggest something like that. These two morons seem to know nothing about how military operations work, shocking especially for Napolitano since he once served as a justice for the New Jersey Supreme Court. On the other hand, it's not that shocking since Napolitano was a draft dodger, but continues to spew Libertarian rhetoric. Beck on the other hand, is just a tool hired by the RNC to spew fringe views and make money for the party.


Another silly thing has nothing to do with the conspiracy theories, but rather in how people reacted to Osama dying. There was cheer and jubilation in the streets, cheering for the death of the man responsible for the World Trade Center bombing, the USS Cole bombing, and the September 11th attacks. Last time I checked, we're a predominately Christian nation. According to scripture, cheering for the death of an enemy is just as bad as our enemy cheering for our death. Did any of that Bible stuff matter? Of course not, because young people are less religious than ever before. People my age really don't particularly give a shit about religion and will only claim to be a member of a certain religious group when it's convenient. So in the end, the cheering for the death of bin Laden wasn't just appropriate, it was natural.

Which brings us to the next moron, Rashard Mendenhall. In case you don't know who he is, he's a running back for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Mendenhall decided to spout his Christian bullshit saying we should never cheer for the death of another, but he also took time to spew his nonsensical "truther" nonsense. If you don't know what a truther is, they're the idiots who think that 9/11 was caused by the Bush administration detonating bombs at the World Trade Center and Pentagon to ensure that the twin towers would fall. The belief that a jetliner crashing into a building with full fuel would not cause it to collapse is just ridiculous. Mendenhall was extensively criticized for his comments and the Steelers organization put out a press release that Mendenhall's opinions do not reflect the face of the Steelers franchise. You can expect Mendenhall to be released from his contract if they feel that the locker room will be contentious whenever play resumes in the NFL.


Another AH HA! of this whole Osama bin Laden thing is how Pakistan has responded. When Obama was running for president, he made a somewhat controversial remark in the 2nd presidential debate that if he had intelligence that Osama bin Laden was hiding in Pakistan and the Pakistani government was unwilling or unable to help, he would go in anyway and kill bin Laden. Well, that exact thing happened and the US has officially said that it did not contact Pakistan until after they got Osama bin Laden's body out of Pakistani airspace, admitting that they violated their airspace and sovereignty.

Afterwards, in a "closed-door" session of Congress, CIA director Leon Panetta said that Pakistan was either "involved or incompetent," which is an opinion shared by the majority of Americans; either the Pakistani government was harboring bin Laden, or their military is so incompetent that they could not find bin Laden living a mile away from their nation's largest military academy. To have the Pakistani military be that incompetent is like something from Super Sentai. Only a Super Sentai villain could maintain prestige while constantly failing over and over again.

A reporter tried to get cute with White House press secretary Jay Carney today, asking if Panetta's opinion was one shared by the White House. Of course, the reporter stupidly mentioned that it was a "closed-door" session, to which Jay Carney asked if he meant that it was a classified meeting with no reporters. The reporter said yes, so Carney immediately replied, "Then I have no answer."


Watching these press conferences the last 2 days has been truly hilarious as reporters accuse the White House of presenting two stories with wildly different facts. The fact of the matter is that the two narratives are not that different and the 2nd one actually adds more details. Here are the discrepancies between the two stories:

Brennan's Version

• Other than bin Laden, 3 men and 1 woman were killed, none were civilians
• 2 men were couriers to bin Laden, one of which owned the compound
• The other man was one of bin Laden's sons
• The woman killed was used as a human shield, either willingly or against her will, and was assumed to be bin Laden's wife
• Bin Laden was armed with a gun and participated in the firefight
• Bin Laden was killed by a shot in the head above the left eye
• The operation took about 40 minutes
• The majority of the 40 minutes was spent collecting intel, which was described as a "treasure trove"

Carney's Version

• Other than bin Laden, 3 men and 1 woman were killed, none were civilians
• 2 men were couriers to bin Laden, one of which owned the compound
•  The other man was one of bin Laden's sons, but Brennan got the name wrong
• The woman killed was killed in crossfire, and is assumed to be the courier's wife
• Bin Laden's wife was in the same room as Osama and assaulted Navy SEALs and was shot in the leg; she survived
• Bin Laden was NOT armed, but may have been reaching for a gun when he was killed
• Bin Laden was shot in the chest and in the head above the left eye
• The operation took about 40 minutes
• The majority of the 40 minutes was spent collecting intel, which was described as a "treasure trove"

So what are the discrepancies?

• Bin Laden's son's name
• The identity of the woman killed
• Whether or not bin Laden was armed
• The amount of times bin Laden was shot

Is this really what journalistic integrity is about these days? YOU GOT HIS SON'S NAME WRONG, WHY DID YOU GET ONE OF HIS 56 CHILDREN'S NAME WRONG!? YOU SAID IT WAS HIS WIFE THAT DIED BUT NOW YOU SAY SHE'S ALIVE! WHO IS THIS OTHER WOMAN? YOU SAID HE WAS ARMED, BUT NOW YOU ADMIT TO SHOOTING AN UNARMED MAN! YOU SAID HE WAS SHOT ONCE BEFORE, NOW YOU SAY TWICE, WHICH ONE IS IT?

For the part of his son's name, who really gives a shit? The man has 56 kids, you can't expect for them to identify which one he is right away. As far as the identity of who the dead woman is, again, who cares? Bin Laden never shared details with his family about his work with Al Qaeda, so she wouldn't know his activities whether she was alive or not. As far as whether bin Laden was armed or not, again, who gives a shit? HE'S OSAMA BIN LADEN, YOU HAVE TO KILL THE BASTARD. Then, my favorite part, the amount of times bin Laden was shot. In the first version, they never actually said he was only shot once: they only said the shot to the head killed him; The 2nd version said he was shot twice.

Clearly, anyone with a brain can see that reporters try to spin the facts right after receiving them. Another offensive thing that White House reporters have been doing is trying to grill the White House for further details when they have repeatedly said there are still many details that need to remain classified.

Blake Griffin Unanimously Voted Rookie of the Year

The top NBA awards continue to roll out, with today's announcement that Blake Griffin of the Los Angeles Clippers was unanimously voted as the 2010-11 NBA Rookie of the Year. Griffin was actually drafted out of Oklahoma in 2009, but suffered a season ending injury during the 2009 preseason. Under the rules of NBA stat-keeping, he was not considered a rookie until he played his first regular season game. In his first season in the NBA, Griffin has averaged 22.5 PPG, 12.1 RPG, 3.8 APG, 0.5 Blocks per Game, 0.8 Steals per Game, won the Dunk Contest, and already participated in his first NBA All-Star Game.


Although there has been some debate, mostly by people on other teams, whether or not Griffin had some kind of advantage for having watched NBA players play games for an entire season up close before the other rookies did, the fact of the matter is that none of the other rookies even came close to Griffin's level. Blake Griffin also managed to renew interest in the Los Angeles Clippers franchise, a team that has had zero relevance since it went deeper in the playoffs than the Lakers did one year when Kobe was leading the Lakers to the playoffs single-handedly.

Hopefully the Clippers can make some more impressive moves during the offseason, because the Clippers through their trades and performance this year, have become a hotter destination for free agents. Yes, they aren't the Lakers, but it's still LA and Staples Center, and you get to play with Blake Griffin.

Derrick Rose Crowned Youngest NBA MVP Ever, Age 22; Joins Exclusive List of Player-Coach Duos

Today, Derrick Rose of the Chicago Bulls was (finally) announced as the winner of the regular season MVP. The voting was not close whatsoever, although there were some questionable votes. Rose received 113 votes for 1st place, while Lebron James received 4 votes and Dwight Howard got 3. Kobe Bryant and Kevin Durant finished in fourth and fifth place respectively, but that can only mean that each got 2 and 1 vote. The MVP award is voted on by members of the sports media, so that can only mean that 9 idiots in Miami, Orlando, LA, and OKC chose not to vote for Rose. I'd like to know who those 9 idiot sportswriters are, because there votes all disqualify them from making any intelligent arguments about sports ever again.

Derrick Rose was the only candidate to win MVP, a fact that Stan Van Gundy, coach of the Orlando Magic, really despised. Van Gundy felt that the media had already made up their minds months in advance about Rose winning MVP and were biased against Dwight Howard, which quite frankly, is absolutely true. But it wasn't a negative thing towards Howard, it was just simply an acknowledgment that Derrick Rose was the unquestioned MVP for the regular season and that it would take some kind of miracle for another player to start playing at his level.

It really all starts with comparing season averages in the big three categories, Points Per Game, Rebounds Per Game, and Assists Per Game.

Derrick Rose: 25.0 PPG, 4.1 RPG, 7.7 APG
LeBron James: 26.7 PPG, 7.5 RPG, 7.0 APG
Dwight Howard: 22.9 PPG, 14.1 RPG, 1.4 APG
Kobe Bryant: 25.3 PPG, 5.1 RPG, 4.7 APG
Kevin Durant: 27.7 PPG, 6.8 RPG, 2.7 APG

Of these players, the clear leader just on statistics is obviously LeBron. Kevin Durant should not be in the MVP conversation, playing the same position as James, but averaging 4.3 fewer APG. Kobe actually averaged more PPG (barely) and RPG than Rose, but 3 fewer APG, very crucial  since they both play the same position. By that logic, the conversation is now down to Lebron 1st, Rose 2nd, and Howard 3rd, with his measly 22.9 PPG, very low for a center and star player. His assists don't matter as much since his position is never expected to pass; centers are finishers. He did manage to average a double-double this season, but the PPG is just far too low given his importance on his team.

So now the race is down to LeBron and Rose. Just statistically speaking, LeBron is the clear winner between them. But now we need to evaluate their performance this year compared to last year. Here's last year's statistics:

Derrick Rose: 20.8 PPG, 3.8 RPG, 6.0 APG
LeBron James: 29.7 PPG, 7.3 RPG, 8.6 RPG

Here, we can clearly see that Rose definitively improved as a player while LeBron declined somewhat, averaging 3 fewer PPG and 1.6 fewer APG. Now it becomes clear that even though Rose's numbers were not as good as LeBron's, he improved while James declined. The next statistic is seeing how their teams compared from the previous year to this year.

Bulls 2009-10 Record: 41 Wins, 41 Losses
Bulls 2010-11 Record: 62 Wins, 20 Losses
Cavaliers 2009-10 Record: 61 Wins, 21 Losses
Heat 2009-10 Record: 47 Wins, 35 Losses
Heat 2010-11 Record: 58 Wins, 24 Losses

In the case of LeBron, he changed teams, so you must compare his Cavaliers team along with the Heat team of last year. The Bulls improved by 21 wins, while the Heat improved by 11 wins. LeBron's Cavaliers team, despite the impressive record, actually lost one more game than Rose's 2010-11 Bulls.

At this point, Rose now has the advantage. The final statistic that seals the deal is the season series between the Bulls and Heat.

3-0, Bulls

Well that was simple. That's right, out of 3 tries, the Heat won zero games against the Bulls, including the one at Miami. Before it all becomes definitive, there's one bonus stat to compare: How each played in their games against each other.

Derrick Rose: 28.6 PPG, 3.3 RPG, 6.3 APG
LeBron James: 27.5 PPG, 9.0 RPG, 5.5 APG

In their season series, Rose actually scored 3 more PPG in exchange for getting less RPG and APG, but that was mostly caused by the outlier of Game 3 where Rose got only 1 rebound, otherwise, he would have averaged 4.5 RPG, higher than his season average. LeBron scored about the same PPG, while rebounding much more than he usually does, but assisting less. What makes their season stats significant is that even though for all intents and purposes James played better than Rose, the Bulls still won. This means that Rose was more (wait for it) VALUABLE for his team than James was! That's why the award is for Most Valuable Player, not Best Overall Player.

Derrick Rose winning the MVP award just two days after Tom Thibodeau won Coach of the Year makes it only the 12th time in NBA history that a player and coach have won their two highest awards, joining an exclusive club of such legendary duos like Tim Duncan & Gregg Popovich, Michael Jordan & Phil Jackson, Magic Johnson & Pat Riley, and Bill Russell & Red Auerbach. He does however, join the list of dubious duos like LeBron James & Mike Brown (horrible decision for coach of the year), Steve Nash & Mike D'Antoni (how the hell Nash won MVP twice is beyond me and a coach that can't teach defense), Allen Iverson & Larry Brown (their relationship is legendary only for its heatedness), and Dave Cowens (who?) & Tom Heinsohn (who?).

Hopefully Rose will go on to become a legendary MVP, and not join the likes of Dave Cowens, probably the most undeserving MVP ever, winning his award in between years that Kareem won MVP, preventing him from winning the award 3 consecutive years and Dirk Nowitzki, who infamously won the MVP award after his team had been eliminated in the playoffs by the Golden State Warriors in the greatest playoff upset of all time.